


you can open your mouth (and then just shut it)

by EasyPeasyPanic



Series: all of my founders era fics [5]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Arguing, Bickering, Feel free to consider it a crack fic because it certainly isn't my best writing, Hiruzen and Danzou are always down to fight, I wrote this for my friend instead of sleeping, Jealousy, M/M, Mentions of Homura and Torifu, Trapped, Very childish arguing over petty jealousy and crushes, even if it's each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:20:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24300466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EasyPeasyPanic/pseuds/EasyPeasyPanic
Summary: Hiruzen and Danzou can argue anywhere. About anything. In any situation.Really, ANY situation.
Relationships: Sarutobi Hiruzen/Shimura Danzou
Series: all of my founders era fics [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1718458
Comments: 8
Kudos: 100





	you can open your mouth (and then just shut it)

**Author's Note:**

> For my close friend Jay, who loves the Escort Unit and Team Tobirama and my writing apparently.
> 
> :^) 
> 
> Jay, I love you but please shut up

* * *

Danzou tries to stretch out his arms, but all that accomplishes is sending a blinding pain up from his dislocated shoulder all the way down to his fingertips. Fighting back a cry of pain, he shifts just enough in the chakra-infused wire holding his limbs still that he can strain his neck to look for his partner. 

Hiruzen is steaming angry. _Literally._ There's actually steam coming from his mouth, the smoke spilling out from between his teeth as if he was midway through one of the Sarutobi Clan's Fire Style but couldn't quite grasp the chakra to finish it. Instead, he puffs it out with a frown, struggling against his bonds and huffing the entire time. 

"Saru," Danzou begins. 

"I know."

"You _know_ it'll be him."

"I know." 

"We need to hurry up and get out of here."

"I _know_!" Hiruzen kicks and struggles, but he's just as trapped as Danzou was, his limbs entangled by the thick wire that was reminiscent of a spider's web. He was hung upside down, thick brown hair falling across Danzou's leg, which was twisted painfully backwards, and he wiggled away from the strands touching his bare skin. 

"Move your hair." He complained. "Stop! It's tickling me." 

Hiruzen huffs again, indignant. " _How_?"

"I don't know, but get your hair off of me!" 

It was brushing right up against his calf and ankle, just where his trousers didn't cover, and it was irritating him worse than the dislocated shoulder or the pressure of the wire cutting into his skin slowly. (If Danzou was correct, and he was because he had been trained by Senju Tobirama, then the wire would grow tighter and tighter the longer their chakra lingers in it.) Even the stinging of his skin wasn't driving his nerves up the wall so much as the feather-light _brush_ of hair against his skin. 

His body bristled at the movement, and it sent shivers across his skin, and oh _Kami_ , he was going to go mad. Maybe his anger could be blamed on the situation, or maybe it was the fact that he hadn't eaten in (how many hours had it been since they'd been dragged out of the forest into _wherever_ this was) a while, but Danzou was ready to come to blows. 

"I _can't_!"

"Move your hair, or I'm done. This relationship is over!" 

Hiruzen actually made a point of wiggling against the binds just to make his hair wildly brush up and down the side of his calf. Danzou cries out, furious, trying to move his leg enough _to_ kick the idiot monkey, but it doesn't do much other than press the wire deeper into the skin. He feels the familiar, warm and _wet_ of fresh blood drip down his leg. 

"Stop touching me, you fucking monkey!"

Hiruzen sticks his tongue out, which really just proves Danzou's point between that and his bright red cheeks. "You say that like it's an insult. The monkey is the noblest of all the tree-dwelling animals! Have you ever seen a monkey and squirrel fight? Monkey always wins." He argues, obviously more offended over the insult to monkeys everywhere than the fact he's essentially been rejected. "And what, now I can't touch my boyfriend?"

"No." Danzou spits back at him. "You can't."

"Fine, I don't even care."

Which was, admittedly, a pretty big lie. It was obvious by the way they both decided to pout that _they_ _both_ did care, except somewhere along the lines, things had gone bad long before this happened. _Maybe_ it was because Hiruzen decided to go out of his way to take them all the way past their mission drop-off point to go fight the rogue shinobi from somewhere close to Takigakure, just because he wanted to fight. Might have been because Danzou decided he was going to try to hog all the glory in the middle of battle by testing out a new technique without consulting Hiruzen that ultimately backfired on both of them. The fact of the matter was that neither one was willing to actually take the blame for their current predicament, which left a lot of room for tempers to fly. 

Danzou breaks the silence first, if only to save what tatters of his pride remained unscathed from his earlier blunder. "We need a plan of escape."

"I can't move." Hiruzen offers in reply, like somehow that would help the situation at all. As if Danzou was _not_ well aware of that fact. His temper flew worse, halfway to the stratosphere, and if Danzou could just get _one_ hand free to smack him with it--

"Neither can I, but our only options are to hope they kill us or get rescued by Kagami. And I'll kill myself before he gets to gloat about _this_." Danzou swears. He fiddles with his stiff limbs, the circulation being held up by the wire, his fingers going numb with every passing minute. 

He couldn't reach his kunai pouch, though he's not sure how much help that would even be at the moment because he doubts they'll be useful in cutting enhanced wire. 

"Oh _Kagami_." Hiruzen mocks, except a slither of jealousy invades his tone. Just enough for old wounds to reopen and fester in a singular second because then he's rolling his eyes. As if he had the upper hand somehow, dangling above Danzou upside down! The monkey-- "Why are you so concerned with what Kagami thinks of you?"

Danzou scoffs, "Do you _really_ want to start this fight right now, Saru?"

"I'm just wondering!"

"Because he's going to gloat and mock me for days and days, and Torifu will probably join in. But no, I don't _really_ care." 

"That's _not_ what I heard." 

"Oh you heard a rumor? Here, in the middle of nowhere, right now, about this exact argument?" Danzou snapped, making a big show of struggling to look around at their bleak surroundings, which was mostly just an enclosed space in a cave shifted by some sort of earth technique. "What did somebody sneak in when I blinked?"

"Shut up!" He cries out. "Shut up, you know you like Kagami! I've seen how you look at him." Hiruzen wiggles more, if only to see Danzou grimace at the feeling of goosebumps rising against his flesh when his hair brushs against him _again_. 

"Stop." Danzou _demands_. "You're doing it on purpose."

"I'm not touching you."

"Yes, you are!"

"I'm _not_ touching you!"

Danzou seethes. 

"Yes, you are! I can feel you thinking about touching me!"

"You can't feel thoughts!"

Danzou lets out a wild cry, kicking his legs as much as he can, pain or not. "You would think you'd be getting smarter with all of that blood going to your brain, but you're actually getting dumber." He wails, gritting his teeth. "I'd be _lucky_ if I had enough reputation to be able to date Kagami after you!"

Hiruzen gasps, dramatic and heartbroken. 

"So you're _admitting_ you want to date Kagami!"

"I didn't say that. Why do you always jump to that conclusion?" Danzou pauses, takes in the situation. Since when was _he_ the voice of reason? When did he start thinking things through? No, absolutely not. He'd give Hiruzen one chance to end this now before it turned into a full blown war. "Do you really want to do this now? When we're surrounded by enemies-- wherever they went?" 

Hiruzen huffs, "No better time than now! At least we have alone time, because we had to be kidnapped to get away from Homura and Kagami! This is our first date in a while!" He complains, which usually would grate on Danzou's nerves so badly, but right now, he wants to _fight_. Maybe it was the whole shoulder pain, which was Hiruzen's fault. 

"Homura? What, you're jealous of me spending time with Homura?"

" _Why_?" Hiruzen says, far too quickly. "Why, do I have a reason to be jealous?"

"Of _Homura_ ?" Danzou repeats, as if that was actually a thing that could happen in a million years. In a hundred centuries. In any sick and twisted Genjutsu-induced fantasy. Tobirama-sensei could _personally_ recommend Homura to him as a potential boyfriend, and Danzou would still choose to die alone surrounded by sixteen hungry cats waiting to feast on his bones. 

"Of Homura, that's right." Hiruzen replied. "I've seen the way you look at him too."

" _Of Homura_ ?" Danzou has to say it for a third time, shaking his head. " _Homura._ Not in a million years. How do I look at him? Embarrassment? Pity?"

Hiruzen actually gets _more_ offended at his response, "Hey, that's my teammate, you're talking about! He's handsome, you'd be lucky to have him." He argues back, and suddenly, it's happening. 

It's a full blown fight. A lover's quarrel. 

In the middle of a cave in the middle of who knows where. While they wait on their captors to return and most likely dismember them, or torture them for information about Konoha or Tobirama-sensei. 

This isn't the worst place they've ever fought, if they're being honest. But Danzou disgresed. 

"I don't want him!"

"Obviously you want somebody else if you don't even want my hair touching you!"

"If it wasn't stupid monkey hair, I'd want it on me!"

Hiruzen reels back, "Oh, but I'd bet you'd want Kagami's hair on you, and he smells like wet cats all the time. Homura doesn't smell like wet cats, at least." He spits out, like venom on his tongue, but his lip trembles in a way unbecoming of a boy of sixteen, and Danzou backtracked immediately. 

(It was a well known fact amongst the chūnin of Konohagakure that while the Shimura boy was composed, cunning, and overly critical. Generally, he kept a strong grasp on his emotions, _however_ it was not well known that if the boy saw another cry, usually he followed suit in an almost _reflection_ of the strong emotion.)

"I do _not_ want Kagami! And I especially don't want Homura!"

"There is _nothing_ wrong with my teammate!"

"It'd be like if you wanted Torifu. It's weird!"

Hiruzen scoffs, "I would be _happy_ to have Torifu, he's the strongest out of all of us physically."

"Oh so now you want to dump me for my teammate?" Danzou hisses back at him, glaring. His face pinched in rage. (To hide the pouting that was slowly twisting onto his expression, but was undermined by the urge to argue with this actual _idiot_ .) "To prove a point? Let me explain to your idiot self, that I do _not_ want Kagami!"

"Danzou, wait a second, did you notice--"

"Sure, he's handsome and strong, and his Sharingan is something to be admired…"

Hiruzen's voice goes an octave higher, his bright red cheeks burning a brighter color that would manage to bring an Uzumaki's hairdo to absolute tears. He lets out a choked cry, " _Danzou_."

"And yes, there was that time I had a _small_ bout of affection for him outside of friendship and comradery, but in my defense, my fourteenth year of life had been...eventful. I had a crush on Tobirama-sensei, too. But who _didn't_ have a crush on Sensei? Even you did." 

"No, please, stop, just _listen_. Dan, isn't it weirdly quiet? Like, all the lurking enemies are gone sort of quiet--"

Danzou continues on, obviously trying to spill all those pesky emotional explanations that he so often shoved deep inside him to compartmentalize at a more convienent time. "But I'm not dating Kagami, so enough with the petty jealousy, alright? I chose you, despite everything, you monkey bastard, so just... _stop_ . Let us fight afterwards, but now we need to figure out how to get out of the situation before Kagami has to rescue us. My greatest shame would have to be a damsel in distress for him once more." He finally _stops_ , his voice echoing throughout the small entrapment.

Hiruzen's eyes are closed tight, a grimace crossing his features. His laughter bubbles out of his mouth and nose in small, uncontained snorts that jerked his whole body. 

"Well," A familiar voice drawls out, far too smug, too _pleased_ . Like a starving wolf with its jaws around a tender throat, and Danzou flinched in a flash of absolute _humiliation._ "You know, Dan, I'd say you're more of a helpless _princess_ than damsel in distress. But I'll be your handsome knight anyway." 

Danzou blinked, taking a deep breath. He very _patiently_ waits ten seconds before he loses his very fine temper at Kagami. He counts it out in his mind. _One. Two. Threefourfivesixseveneightnineten_. 

"Did you kill all of them?" He asks tiredly, shaking his head, trying to figure out if he could angle his throat against the wire to nick the artery there. _Ah_ wishful thinking, he wasn't intertwined enough to manage such a maneuver. "Or is there one left to kill me?"

"Unfortunately, I handled all of them." Kagami's grin is smug and pulled tight over pearly teeth. His arms cross against his chest, and he leans backwards onto the balls of his feet, rolling his shoulders. Tilts his head. "Aw, Dan, you used to have a crush on me?"

"Please?" Danzou whispers, more of a plea than a prayer, desperate and agonized and so _very hopeful_. "Please, if there are any Gods, let them strike me down now."

Unfortunately for him, as was the case with all of Team Tobirama in anything they do, for some supernatural or perhaps coincidental reason, the Gods did them no such favors. 

"I'm absolutely honored you think I'm handsome." Kagami sings, beginning to untangle them from the wire, although the look of glee in his eyes is sharper than any of the painful wire holding him still. 

Danzou wonders if he couldn't still manage to force himself to "accidentally" trip and fall on a dead enemy's knife. 

But with his luck, he'd fall on the blunt end.

"Hiru, you couldn't tell me that Kagami was already in the cave?"

"I _tr_ _ied_!"

"No, you didn't."

"That's it!" Hiruzen announced. "As soon as I'm free, we're actually fighting."

Danzou rolls his eyes, "And here I thought you loved me? Now you want to fight me?" He gave Kagami a sharp look, if only to prevent him from letting Hiruzen free first. 

The Uchiha raised his hands away innocently. 

"I do love you." Hiruzen admits, if sulking like somehow he's been beaten at some sort of game by having to admit it. "So much."

"Well." Danzou flushed, not meeting his gaze. "I...love you more."

"That's not possible. I love you more."

"Shut up, you idiot, bananas-for-brains, I love you more--"

"GUYS!" Kagami shouts, desperate, kunai in the air. "If you don't stop arguing, I'm leaving you here!"

Unfortunatey, he's not acknowledged. 

* * *

  
  



End file.
